Crutches are for suckers

Ah, post-surgery life.  A time of healing.

A time of rest.

A time of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman DVD marathons and green tea and percoset.

Also a time of throbbing triceps, awkward showers, and face plants.  Thanks a lot, crutches.

I pretty much consider myself a seasoned pro on crutches now and feel like I have authority to make the declaration that crutches are for suckers.  For the past 3 years, I have spent the first few months of the year on crutches.  In January 2011 I sprained my knee snowboarding in MI.  In March 2012, I fractured and sprained my ankle courtesy of some ducks (and possibly horses...).  And now in March/April 2013, I am recovering from a ligament repair from the aforementioned incident with the ducks.

I have learned a lot about crutches in this repetitive time period.  I think that everyone who has ever been on crutches will fully appreciate these sentiments, but I have taken the past 3 years into consideration when I make the following statements.

Things I have learned about life on crutches:

1. You can get a temporary handicapped parking pass!!!! (HOW did it take me 3 years to figure this out???)
2. Be careful when crutching on snow/ice/rain.  Be even more careful when you take that first step indoors onto the linoleum floor while your crutches are wet.
3. Your single-leg squats will improve dramatically if you are prone to dropping things like I am.
4. Your can get a killer ab workout in the shower/tub while attempting to shave your legs (or you can slice them open with your razor because you are wobbling all around.  Whichever.  Actually, it is probably best not to even try to shave and pretend that you are a hippie instead).  *side note*:  this tactic works best when you attempt to sit in the bathtub with your cast sticking out of the tub while trying to shave.
5. Duct tape will become your best friend in the shower (to keep water out of your cast.  Especially if you are using a trash bag system because you broke your nice, professional "waterproof cast protector").
6. Actually, it is best just not to shower.  Just get some Febreeze, throw on a hat, and call it a day.
7. Carrying stuff becomes an art.  You will carry things in your mouth frequently, much like a dog.
8. Nice people will carry things for you.
9. Jerks will not carry things for you and will watch you struggle.
10. Enjoying a fountain drink becomes impossible because you cannot carry it, and you will thirst when trying to dine out.  Its best just not to do it.  The experience gets ruined.
11. When you get done with your crutches, you will be able to bust out 100 push ups like a piece of cake.
12. You will fall.  Try to fall away from your injury.  I'm really good at shifting my momentum so I bite it face-first :)
13. Sports bras keep you from chafing under your arms.
14. Keep all of your left shoes (the ones you aren't able to wear) in a place safe from spiders and snakes (yes.  I did in fact find a tarantula teenager in one of my idle shoes that I left outside).
15. If a horse is about to knock you over, giving it a good smack with a crutch will usually startle it and make it jump away from you) *note*: it is possible that it may decide to kick at you instead.  Just think like a boy scout and always be prepared
16. Use an office style rolling chair in your kitchen to allow you to cook.  Its much easier to shimmy from the fridge to the counter to the stove to the table sitting on your butt with 2 free hands.  However, be prepared to get a little too excited and bite it face first out of your chair.
17. Your toes will look gross because they are constantly exposed the elements and you cannot wash them vigorously.
18. Your dog will obsessively smell your surgery site because he thinks it is weird.  It will be awkward and uncomfortable.
19. You will sorely, sorely miss the opportunity to just carry a cup of coffee or tea somewhere and sit down (unless of course you are lucky and live with someone who will bring you coffee or tea).  I just sip it standing in place now because I have spilled way too many cups and cleaning up the floor is hard.
20. Just suck up your pride and ride around on those stupid little motorized carts at the grocery store/Target.  Unless you get someone to go shopping with you, it will be virtually impossible and you will be exhausted upon conclusion.  When you have to back that thing up and it beeps, just shrug it off.  You weren't that cool before anyway.

And yes, these are all speaking from experience ;)

ttfn

ap